Hinata Ends With the Soul Calibur
by Edrobot
Summary: Keitaro finds the Soul Calibur, and inevitably starts a chain of events that will lead to Ragnarok unless he and the Hinata girls can stop it! A LoveHina X WorldEndsWithYou X SoulCalibur X WhateverElseIComeUpWith Crack Fic! *SPOILERS*
1. Ominous Foreshadowings

**Hinata Ends With the Soul Caliber**

**Or**

**The Incredibly Silly and Awesome Adventures of Urashima Keitaro, Wielder of the Soul Caliber, the Six Girls of the Hinata Apartments, and Sho Minamimoto (With Some Less Important Appearances by Kentaro) in Their Attempt to Save the World From Being Taken Over By Bad Guys Featuring Plentiful Crossovers by Whatever I Damn Well Feel Like, More Commonly Abbreviated as TISAAUWSCSGHASMWSLIATASWFBTOBBGFPCWIDWFLMCAT**

**Or**

**That One Weird Love Hina Fic With A Really Long Name**

**A Love Hina ****Fan**** Crack Fic**

**Synopsis:** Keitaro finds the Soul Caliber, and inevitably starts a chain of events that will lead to Ragnarok unless he and the Hinata girls can stop it. Isn't it just convenient that they suddenly gained superpowers? A LoveHina X WorldEndsWithYou X SoulCalibur X WhateverElseIComeUpWith Crack Fic. *TWEWY SPOILERS*

* * *

_On November 10__th__, 2008, a budding Fanfiction writer set out to create the most epic fan fiction of all time. _

_He meant to make a statement, a statement that would rock the FanFiction community for centuries to come._

_Then he played "LittleBigPlanet" for several hours, and completely forgot what he was going to write about._

_From that moment on, he decided to write about the most bizarre thing he could imagine._

_But it was too weird to publish, so he wrote this instead: _

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1: Ominous Foreshadowings**

**I do not own Love Hina, or anything else for that matter.**

* * *

_I am recording this journal in order to leave behind a record in case something goes horribly wrong. As you know, being Conductor for the Hinata region, I am responsible for any supernatural occurrences in the area._

_To this end, I have been preventing Urashima Keitaro from realizing his potential. _

_Let me explain: As you may know, the last of Nostradamus's "Secret Prophecies", the Secret Prophecy of Algol, states: "when the "Children of Ragnarock" have their powers realized, Ragnarock (the end of the world) will be begin." _

_These "children" are referred to in the prophecy as:_

_A Natural Time-Warper_

_The Sorceress of Momol_

_A Half-Angel_

_A Titan_

_A Goddess_

_The Luckiest Woman in the World_

_And, of course, the reincarnation of Siegfried, wielder of the Soul Caliber_

_The prophecy goes into great details about the identity of the wielder of the Soul Caliber. He will be born in a "Distant Land" (Seeing as Nostradamus would consider Japan to be quite "Distant", I can hardly argue), be nearly immortal, and is described later on in the prophecy as looking exactly like our own manager. And above that, Keitaro has already attracted a pair of possible "Ragnarock Children" (Specifically, Shinobu and Mutsumi), and preexisting company has also started to show supernatural tendencies. _

_Coincidence?_

_I have done my best to suppress their development by drawing on the power of the Soul Caliber. But this does not seem to be enough._

_The whole "Red Moon" incident also revealed Kaolla Su to be the Sorceress of Momol, and already the government of Momol is preparing for the worst that Ragnarock could offer._

_As for Keitaro, he has suffered numerous fatal blows without a scratch on him, signifying a development of Beta-Class Immortality._

_And the identity of the Titan is painfully obvious to anyone who has done the research. _

_Still, my ex-partner, an expert on mystic artifacts, assures me that the suppression field will remain in place as long as the sword is not removed from its pedestal._

_I, however, doubt that this will last._

_-The Conductor of Hinatasou_

* * *

It was a fairly normal day for Urashima Keitaro, manager of the Hinata Apartments. Naru had punched him through the ceiling for being a pervert, Mokoto smashed Keitaro through a wall with her sword after Kietaro complimented her figure, and Su had just finished using the manager as a test subject for her new "Mecha Tama Ultra Plus EX Attack Drone Squad MK. 3".

Just a normal day for Keitaro.

Today, Keitaro was cleaning the basement, in hopes that the girls wouldn't hit him anymore if he just left them alone.

Keitaro sighed. "Well, my life might not be pleasant, but at least it's interesting…"

The basement of the Hinata Apartments was crammed wall-to-wall with all sorts of junk. Granted, most of it was part of the nest of that giant metal-eating turtle robot Su had built a few months ago.

Still, there were plenty of old knick-nacks spread out in various piles throughout the basement. So far, he had found a SNES, a stack of old Batman comics, several dozen failed Mecha Tama-Chan prototypes, the world's eighth largest rubber band ball, picture of a sad clown, a wooden replica of The Lost Ark, a black case filled with Warhammer 40000 stuff, an old film canister with a zombie movie pictured on it, some creepy, gothic-lolita porcelain dolls, a clockwork orange, along with a large number of similarly robotic fruits, a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the actual encyclopedia, not the novel), a fiendishly glowing puzzle cube, the real lost ark, a bowling trophy, an original copy of the united states constitution, a fake can of peanut brittle with a rubber snake on a spring, and a plastic magical girl rod.

"Boy, this is hard work." Keitaro sat down and leaned back on a nearby chair, "I think I'll just take a little-"

*CLICK*, Keitaro's chair accidently tripped a hidden switch on the wall, and a trap door instantly opened underneath him.

Keitaro screamed as he and the chair sided down the slanted passageway the trapdoor had opened up to. Then, he reached the bottom, and the chair fell over, flinging the unfortunate roinin halfway across the room.

"Ouch…" Kietaro said, landing face first on the hard cement floor.

He then got up and looked at his new surroundings. "Funny.", he said, "I don't remember THIS room…"

The room was mostly empty, featuring thick cement walls on every side. But at the end of the room, directly across from him, he saw a bright, glowing object.

The brown haired man put his glasses back on, and took a few steps closer to get a better look. He found that the bright, glowing object was a large sword-shaped thing made of crystal, standing on an ornate pedestal that was also made of a glowing crystal.

This puzzled Keitaro. Why would anyone make a sword made of crystal? It looked far to blunt to cut anything, and even though it might be heavy, a misplaced swing would be all it would take to shatter it.

Curious, he stepped closer still, reaching out to grab the blade by the hilt.

"I wouldn't do that, Keitaro." Said a voice from behind.

Keitaro turned to see his aunt Hiruka standing behind him. "O- Old lady?" he stammered.

*WHACK*

"Call me Hiruka-San." said the old lady Hiruka-san. She put her hammer back in the extra-dimensional space she found it in, and threw the unconscious destined wielder of the Soul Caliber over her shoulder.

* * *

That was... odd?

It gets better! I promise!


	2. So Zeta Slow

**Chapter 2: So Zeta Slow**

**I still don't own Love Hina. Sorry.**

* * *

_Today Ragnarock came too close for comfort._

_Keitaro absent-mindedly found the secret passageway leading to the room where the Soul Caliber is kept. If it were not for my quick actions, he may have been drawn to the sword._

_I took the opportunity to block off the trapdoor. But seeing that Keitaro is knocked though walls on a daily basis, this may only be a temporary measure._

_Luckily, a friend of mine in Shibuya has offered to loan me his best reaper to act as guard for the Soul Caliber, so the blade's security will soon no longer be an issue._

_But one thing troubles me: If the Soul Caliber is here, where is the Soul Edge?_

_- Hiruka-san, _Conductor of the Hinata UnderGround (UG) Reaper's Game

* * *

"WAAAGH!" Keitaro screamed, sitting straight up, "SPARE ME HIRUKA-SAN!"

Keitaro looked at his surroundings. He found that he was no longer in the basement, but was instead safe and sound in his own room.

"I must have dozed off. I guess I'm more tired than I thought." He vaguely recalled that he was cleaning the basement just a moment ago. "I wonder who brought back up..."

Keitaro chuckled to himself. "Well, i'm still pretty tired, so *yawn* I guess I'll just go back to…" and he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Then suddenly, the door to Keitaro's room was suddenly smashed by what appeared to be a tank with a battering ram where the cannon should have been.

"WAAAGH!" Keitaro shouted again. After shuffling his quilt for a few moments, he got to his feet. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! DON'T KILL ME!" He shouted.

The hatch at the top of the tank opened, and out popped Kaolla Su, wearing a hard hat that those robots from the Mega Man games wore. "Hi, Ketaro-kun!" She shouted, "Old lady Hiruka says that you need to get down to the front hall right away! You need to interview a new employee-slave or somethin'!"

Keitrao slumped back down to the floor. "But why do we need another employee? We already have Kentaro…"

* * *

In the kitchen, Kentaro continued to wash dishes.

"I hate my life." He said sourly.

* * *

"Who cares about Kentaro?" Su replied, "Here, I'll help you get to the Kitchen!"

She dashed over to Keitaro, and strapped on a turtle-shaped jetpack. "With this, you can get anywhere you need to go 28.3 times faster! And with only minor head injuries!"

"Are you mad!?"Keitaro shouted, struggling to pull the contraption off. But it was too late: Su had already pushed the button on her remote. The jetpack sent Keitaro crashing straight though the ceiling and into Naru's room before it exploded in a greasy fireball.

As his brain checked to make sure all his organs were still functional, he noticed that Naru Narsegawa was in the middle of changing her clothes…

The two stared at each other for a moment, in awkward silence.

"Er… Hi there?" Keitaro gulped.

"…" said Naru.

"Sorry about that. You see Su woke me up and said Hiruka wanted to see me so she-"

Naru turned red in the face as Keitaro continued to exist in the same room as her mostly-naked body. "Keitaro YOU PERVERT!" She screamed.

Keitaro closed his eyes. This had happened a million times before. He knew what was coming next.

A few seconds later, Keitaro was flying through the air from the impact of Naru's mighty blow. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA…." He shouted for the third time today.

Kaolla Su then pulled out a stopwatch, and began counting. "1…2…3…"

* * *

ONE HOUR AGO…

* * *

Sho Minamimoto yawned. He had just had the most amazing dream.

He dreamt that this guy told him how he could create Taboo noise, and become the next composer, got killed by some red-haired hectopascal, got better, went on a vicious rampage, and was about to kill the Composer when he was crushed by a telephone booth.

"Wait a nanosecond!" He said, "That was no dream! That was my victory equation!"

He kicked his feet against the ground. "And I would have gotten away with it, to, if it weren't for that meddling undefined variable…"

Sho then scratched his head, and looked in every direction. Where was he, anyway? "Argh! Stupid composer! Stupid subtracting-me- for-real irrational integer!" Sho jumped up in down repeatedly in frustration. Then he got to his knees and screamed, "WHAT THE ZETA!?"

Suddenly, there was a flash of bright light, and Mr. Hanekoma appeared in front of Sho. "Miss me?" he said.

The author now realizes that many of you probably haven't played TWEWY. If you're having trouble understanding what these characters look like, go look them up on the interweb. I'll wait.

"You!" Pi-Face leaped up and pointed his finger accusingly. "You're that one guy! You know that guy who did that… thing… um…" Minamimoto puzzled for a moment. "Err… your name begins with an 'R', right?"

Mr. H smiled, "And a happy hello to you, too." His face then immediately turned deathly serious. "Look, I'm in trouble, and the composer has his hands full, so I need you to do us a favor…"

"Oh?" Sho sneered, "And why the zeta should I help you? What's in it for me?"

The mysterious coffee-shop owner smirked, "Three reasons: 1: We need you to help prevent the end of the world. 2. If you can do this for me, I might be able to lower or even annul you sentence. And 3: you owe me a favor anyway."

Sho's mouth opened widely, reveal two gleaming rows of razor-sharp teeth. "All right, now you're talking…"

Now Mr. H handed Sho a white envelope. "Your mission is to prevent Urashima Keitaro from becoming the wielder of the Soul Caliber."

Pi-Face grinned even wider. "So all I have to do is prevent some radian from finding a magic sword? Easy as 3.14!" He then pulled out several large, glistening knives.

"…Without killing anyone." Hanekoma continued.

"Oh." Sho put his knives back in disappointment.

"Anyway, the photograph of him, along with brief bios of the other Hinata Apartments residents, is all inside the envelope along additional instructions. You'll have full access to your reaper powers in the event that an outside force tries to intervene. If you should somehow fail, the region's Conductor will give you an alternative mission. Any questions?"

Minamimoto thought about his mission for a few moments. "Yeah." he said. "I don't remember you doin' me any favors…"

Mr. H laughed, and began to walk away. "Then forget I said anything." He then disappeared into the darkness.

Sho started off into the distance. "Um… okayyyyy…"

* * *

_ONE HOUR AFTER THE FLASHBACK YOU JUST READ…_

_OR IN SIMPLER TERMS, RIGHT NOW…_

_WELL, TECHNICHLY, NOT "RIGHT NOW", SINCE YOU ARE READING A STORY, AND THESE EVENTS AREN'T ACTUALLY HAPPENING._

_AND EVEN IF THEY DID ACTUALLY HAPPEN, THE FACT THESE EVENTS HAVE BEEN WRITTEN DOWN IMPLIES THAT THEY HAPPENED IN THE PAST._

_NEVERMIND. LET'S JUST GET BACK TO THE STORY…_

_

* * *

_

Kitsune entered the front hall, where she found Hiruka-san sitting on a couch next to Kaolla Su, who was early staring at a stopwatch. "477… 478… 479…" Su counted.

"What'cha doing?" Kitsune inquired.

Suddenly, Keitaro fell straight though the ceiling, and landed face-first on a big red target that was painted in front of the chair.

Su pressed the stopwatch. "480 seconds!" she screamed. "That's a new personal record! Keitaro ought to be very proud of himself!" Su then left the room with a beaming smile on her face, already contemplating new ways to make Keitaro's life more painful efficient.

"Forget I asked." Said Kitsune, excusing herself from the room.

Keitaro remained on the floor, motionless. "Am I dead yet?" he asked.

Hiruka calmly walked over to the spot where the manager lied, and peeled him off the floor. "Are you done fooling around?" she asked. "I need you to interview this guy. A friend of mine recommended him for a job here so you might as well keep him on a trial basis."

"Fine… whatever you say…" Keitaro went limp and fell back on the floor, whereupon his aunt picked him up again. "After all…" Keitaro continued "…another hand around the house? How bad could it be?"

As if to answer his question, it was at that moment that a scary-looking biker guy kicked his way through the front door. As Keitaro cowered in fear behind Hiruka-san, the figure took a few steps closer.

"Sup' radians." Sho Minamimoto cracked his knuckles, "I'm here for the job. Are you gonna' hire me, or do I need to factor it out for ya'?"

Keitaro gulped. This was NOT going to end well.

* * *

WTF? What the hell is Pi-Face doing here?!

And to make things even wierder, Charade (from Soul Calibur II) appears in the next chapter...


	3. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

**Chapter 3: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (but I'm feeling fine)**

**I do not own Love Hina, nor do I claim to. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you print this Fic out and tear the copies into little pieces. It won't resolve your problem, but it will make you feel a little better.**

* * *

Three days after hiring Sho, Keitaro went about his managerial duties. He was currently carrying a heavy box that Su got in the mail, when he saw Pi-face and Kentaro washing the dishes.

"Stupid yoctogram!" he shouted, "You're not doing it right!"

"Please." Kentaro responded, "I have seniority over you. How would you know how to clean them?"

"Wiping them clockwise! Every brainless integer knows you have to wipe them counterclockwise!" He glared at Kentaro in disgust, "It's like trying to find the cubic sum of an irrational tangent!"

"Do you really think people talk like that, or are you just trying to bug me?"

After hearing their petty argument, Keitaro breathed a sigh of relief. Despite Keitaro and Naru's protests (the latter involving Naru punching Keitaro in the face), Hiruka was absolutely insistent on hiring the man.

He could clearly remember everyone's first impressions of Sho…

* * *

All the residents of the Hinata Apartments were seated around the kitchen table.

"So what's the big news?" Kitsune asked, "I mean, you wouldn't have called us here unless you wanted to tell us something, am I right?"

Keitaro laughed nervously, "Well… A friend of Hiruka-san has a friend, who knows this guy who's looking for a job, but he just got out of prison and he's really creepy but Hiruka-san insisted on hiring him anyway without thinking of the consequences of doing so, so I wanted to get you opinion before…"

Mokoto unsheathed her wooden practice blade. "Get to the point." She said.

Keitaro lowered his head in shame. "Fine… see for yourself." He pointed to the next room, where the girls saw who they thought was undoubtedly the scariest man alive.

The young man was dressed in a freaky black jacket, with ripped black pants and a black hat covering his blackish-black hair. He also had a deep tan, a blood-red bandanna, and a creepy smile that screamed to the world, "I'm evil! Get used to it!" The weirdo then pulled out a megaphone, and began to speak.

"**Attention inferior hectopascals!" **he yelled,** "My name is Sho Minamimoto, AKA 'The Grim Heaper', AKA your new odd jobs guy! Don't get in my way, or else: CRUNCH!"** he cracked his knuckles for emphasis, "**I'll add you to the heap!"**

He put his megaphone down, and continued to smile, leaving the girls speechless for a few minutes.

"Err…" Kietaro broke the silence, "Any questions?"

Then they all shouted at once.

"Keitaro you moron!" said Naru, hitting our hero squarely in the stomach.

"Probably another one of your pervert friends!" Mokoto pulled out her blade and stuck the Roinin with a heavy blow.

"He looks more like a child molester…" Kitsune added.

"Yaaah! He's really scary!" Shinobu screamed.

"I dunno. He looks nice enough to me." Said Mutsumi, head in the clouds as usual.

"You've done some stupid things before," This time Naru kicked Keitaro in the jaw, "But this time you've gone too far!"

"Yay! Hitting Kietaro is fun!" Su decided to join in the fun by repeatedly whacking Keitaro with a baseball bat.

This argument continued well into the night, and only stopped after Keitaro blacked out from the pain, Mokoto's wooden sword had went dull, and Su had ran out of weapons to use. At this point, the girls said their obligatory "good-nights" to each other and went to bed, whereupon Hiruka-san came and dragged Kietaro off to bed as well.

"Man," Sho observed as he walked away from the house, "These radians are all so zeta nuts…" He walked off. "It's like I'm the only zeta sane person in the room!" He then began to laugh insanely, until one of those old men who keep showing to make cryptic sayings whacked him with a cane.

* * *

"_On that night,"_ Kietaro recalled, _"They all agreed that this guy was completely, utterly, dangerously insane."_

And insane he was. But he was also a quick learner.

"_After all,"_ Kietaro mused,_ "He had learned to stay out of Mokoto's way after the eight time he called her a "Hottie"."_

After that, things had fallen into a new routine. Though Sho continued to grumble about having to do inane tasks, all it took was a quick glace from Naru, Mokoto, or even Kaolla Su to scare him straight.

"And with a new channel for Naru's anger," he cheerfully realized, "She actually starting to be relatively nice to me! Her last punch didn't even manage to clear the ceiling! "

Things were starting to look up for Urashima Keitaro.

* * *

"This zeta bites!" Pi-face said to himself as he swept the front hall. "I don't even know where this sword is, much less how to keep that radian away from It." he then got down on his knees in frustration, "For the love of Sohcahtoa! Send me a sign!"

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah yeah, I'm coming…" Show opened the door to find a very bizarre sight. Standing outside the doorway was a purplish-red vein covered orb with a creepy eyeball in the center of it. Attached to the eyeball-sphere was a pair of insectoid arms and legs, helping it stand over 10 feet tall.

"GREETINGS, SQUISHY FLESHBAG!" said the eyeball thing, "MY NAME IS CHARADE, AND I COME HERE ON BEHALF OF LORD NIGHTMARE AND HIS SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTY-SIX AZURE KNIGHTS. CAN YOU PLEASE DEACTIVATE THE INVISIBLE ANTI-EVIL REAPER SEAL ON THE DOORWAY SO I CAN KILL URASHIMA KEITARO AND DESTROY THE LEGENDARY SOUL CALIBUR?"

Sho gave Charade an annoyed look. "Yeah, sorry dude." He said, "But I'm supposed to be keeping whats-his-name from getting the sword thing."

"SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM?" asked the assassin, "AFTER ALL, HE CAN'T WEILD THE BLADE IF HE'S DEAD."

"That's what I said." He replied, "But my stupid radian of a boss wants me to 'not kill anybody'." He made quote marks in the air with his fingers as he said this.

"WELL… DID HE SAY THAT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO KILL ANYONE?"

Minamimoto thought about this for a moment. "You know, I don't think he did." He then smirked gleefully. "Stand back…" He clawed the air in front of him with his one of his hands, and suddenly a reaper symbol appeared in mid-air before exploding into a million pieces. "Come right in."

"THANK YOU." said Charade. "THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE."

* * *

Hiruka sat on a comfy chair, sipping a cup of tea as she read the critical praise of CAT's latest album. As she sat there, she mentally went over recent events, trying to find the right choice of words for the entry in her log.

Eventually, when she was assured that nobody was looking, the Conductor of the Hinatasou UG put down her paper and turned on a laptop computer. After spending a few minutes logging on, she began to recap the day's occurrences.

"_Entry 5:"_ she began. _"In only three days, Sho Minamimoto has somehow managed to make the transition from backstabbing ex-reaper to grouchy domestic servant." _She thought about this for a second, as if someone had said that two and two were three. _"Though all evidence would point to him being intimidated by Naru and Mokoto's aggression (as well as Su's general attitude), being a top-ranked reaper with full access to his powers, this theory doesn't seem likely."_

Now Hiruka shifted to the meat of her article:_ "There are three possible explanations for this change in demeanor. First, he could be quite honestly intimidated by their presence. The implications of this are grim; it would mean that the suppression field is waning, and that Ragnarock is about to begin without the prophecy. Second, it could mean that Minamimoto is manipulating the residences to his own ends. Hanekoma warned me about this possibility, but a mutiny is nothing I can't handle on my own. The third and least likely possibility is that he has suffered massive brain damage, and has become, in effect, an idiot."_

She throught about this for a moment. _"Not that Sho had much brain capacity to begin with."_

Having gotten her theories written down, she decided to end the entry with something that had been bothering her. _"Though I will need to watch Minamimoto over the next few days, other than that things have been going perfectly…"_

Suddenly, there was a crash, and the familiar voice of Keitaro rang throughout the hallway. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TASKATE! HEEEEEELP!"

"…_TOO__ perfectly."_

* * *

"SURRENDER, HUMAN FLESHBAG!" shouted Charade, holding Keitaro in his currently massive right arm. "TELL ME WHERE THE SOUL CALIBUR IS, OR I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU!"

"WAAAAAAAAHGH! HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!" was all Keitaro said.

"FOOLISH MORTAL, WHY DO YOU RESIST STRUGGLEING? IT'S NOT LIKE IT WILL HELP."

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Elite Beat Agents HQ**

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!" Went the image of Keitaro on the computer monitor.

Commander Khan watched as the hideous monster swung Kietaro around like a flail, causing untold damage to Kietaro and his immediate surroundings. He then turned to Agent J and those other two guys whose names I can't recall.

"Agents!" the commander began, "A pathetic loser named Urashima Keitaro need your help! Your mission is to dance well enough to inspire him to kick that eyeball monster's butt. Any questions?"

The unnamed guy on the left raised his hand. "Um… sir? We don't have any songs for fighting giant eyeball monsters."

"Oh, really?" The commander looked skeptical. "Are you sure?"

"I checked." Said Agent J. "What should we do, sir?"

"I want you to find one dammit!" replied Khan. "What do I pay you guys for, anyway?"

* * *

"HMM…" the monster mused, "FOR A MORTAL, YOU AREN'T VERY GOOD AT DIEING…"

"Thanks mummy…" Kietaro said deliriously, "…can you please pass the chocolate llamas?"

"WELL, I SUPPOSE I'LL JUST CUT YOUR LEGS OFF SO YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY WHILE I FIND A COOLER AND MORE PAINFUL WAY TO KILL YOU."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" said an icy voice from behind. Charade's torso made a complete 360 degree turn, and found Mokoto and the others standing behind him. "Drop the roinin," she said, "Or I'll have no choice but to swear eternal vengeance upon your kind."

"FINE. GO AHEAD, ATTACK ME! I DARE YA!"

So they did.

Charade laughed. Most of the girls put up a rather pathetic fight. Naru, as strong as she was, her punch couldn't even make him flinch. Shinobu tried throwing a kitchen knife, but she couldn't even throw it halfway. Kitsune threw a Molotov cocktail made with a bottle of sake, but ordinary flames were merely annoying to Charade, not painful. Mutsumi had brought a big gun of some sort that Su forgot to put away, but fainted before she could actually use it. And even Mokoto was hard pressed to land a blow on the foul beast, only managing to scrape it once or twice with her strongest Ki attacks.

"IS THAT ALL?" chuckled in splendor. "YOU FLESHBAGS AREN'T EVEN WORTH FIGHTING. COME ON! SHOW ME SOMEONE WHO CAN PUT UP A FIGHT!"

"Okie dokies!" said a voice from out of nowhere. Seconds later, Kaolla Su burst through the wall riding a humongous green tank. "Say by byes, Mr. Eyeball –san!"

Unfortunately, before Su could pull the trigger, the fragile, burning floor collapsed under the massive weight of the tank, sending Charade, Keitaro, Naru, and everyone else to the secret room under the basement.

* * *

Kietaro woke up, and yawned. "Wow… what an amazing… dream?" he looked around, and saw his friends unconscious on the floor in the room he had seen in his "Dream", with his hands clasped on the sword-thing from earlier. "Wha… it wasn't a dream at all?!"

"GOOD GUESS, GEINUS." Keitaro looked up and saw the monster from his other, more recent "Dream" standing next to him. "NOW PULL OUT THAT SWORD SO YOU CAN KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH."

"Wha…" the manager began, when suddenly Hiruka-san burst through the trapdoor that the manager had used earlier, carrying Minamimoto by the ear.

"Don't do it!" she shouted, sweat dripping down her face. "You're immortal! You can't be killed! He's just trying to trick you into causing the end of the world!"

"I'm what?"

"The Asymptote is right!" Sho glared at the eyeball. "That inverse tangent tricked me into solving the equation for him!"

"I'm… imm.. immor..?"

"WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THIS NAGGING OLD GOAT AND SOME SILLY SUPERSTION, I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL THIS GIRL INSTEAD!" He then grabbed Naru's unconscious body and held her up in the air. "NOW TAKE THE SOUL CALIBIR AND BE A BIG DAMN HERO BEFORE I GO THROUGH WITH IT."

"Make the right choice." said Hiruka-san, "What's it going to be: The girl, or the world?"

"I, I, I…" Keitaro was gripped with crippling indecision, as the rest of the girls began to wake up.

"BE A HERO!" shouted Charade. "SAVE HER!"

"Don't be a moron!" shouted Hiruka.

"And stop it with the suspense! You're so Zeta slow!" Sho added.

"Urashima! What's going on?" asked Shinobu.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" shouted Kitsune.

"Kietaro," Mokoto said, "If this is true, then you might not be able to die. But if you doom the world, I'll make sure you wished you could!"

"Oh my…" was all Mutsumi s said.

"What's a soul caliber?" asked Su, "Can you eat it?"

Then Naru woke up. When she saw the horrific beast that had captured her, she screamed, "What do you think you're doing?! Let go of me!"

At this point, Keitaro snapped. "yaAAAAarhrAAGH!" he screamed, clasping his hands to his head. "Everyone just SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT SO I CAN THINK!"

The entire room then gave Keitaro a blank stare. "What?" said Keitaro. "I just wanted you guys to be quiet so I could think it over. Why are you guys looking at me like I have two heads? I mean I'm being perfectly reasonab- ohhhh…" Keitaro let out a moan of agony when he saw what was in his right hand.

He was holding the Soul Caliber. Now the world was going to end.

* * *

_Above Hinatasou, a change was occurring. _

_The town's scarce residents left their homes, and all looked at the sky._

_Suddenly, without warning, a huge, red symbol appeared in the sky._

_And it wasn't just Hinatasou._

_All over the world this was happening._

_And every man, woman, and child stood in stunned silence. _

_The players of the reaper's game recognized it as a Noise symbol, but didn't know what it was doing._

_The Reapers, however knew what it was: embodiements of the collected emotions, both good and evil of the planet._

_The reapers also knew what they were doing, but they didn't tell anyone._

_They knew that humanity would find out soon enough._

* * *

You thought it was wierd already? you ain't seen NOTHING yet!


	4. Nice Job Breaking it, Hero

**Chapter 4: Nice job breaking it, hero.**

**I'm not even going to try to list all the stuff I don't own here.**

***

Somewhere else in Japan, Fyuki Hinata watched the airborne symbol in stunned silence. In all his years of research into the occult, never before had he heard of phenomena like this. "Natsumi! Gunso-san!" he shouted, "Come and see this!"

"I can see it, but I don't believe it." Said Natsumi, joining her brother on the back porch.

"Hey, sergeant." Fyuki called, "Do you have any idea what this is about?"

But Sergeant Keroro, the tiny, froglike leader of the Keroro platoon, was too busy shoving suitcase after suitcase into a space ship. "Oh, what's that?" totally ignored Fyuki, "Yes, the lights are very pretty." He then shut the trunk of his space vehicle, and scooted his way into the driver's seat "Now I'm going on a secret mission, and I don't know when I'll be back. And I have to leave right now before the end of the- I mean before my flight leaves."

"Before your flight leaves?" Natsumi asked in an accusatory tone, "Don't you have your own space ship?"

The amphibian ignored the red-head's logic. "Well, I probably won't make it back. So I suppose this is goodbye forever! Don't worry about me, I'll send you guys a postcard or some-"

Suddenly, the hot-headed Corporal Giroro appeared out of nowhere to drop-kick the seargent in the head.

"YOU'RE ABANDOING US?" he shouted. "It's the end of the world, you dope! We need every man we've got for our last stand!"

"Wait," Said Fuyuki, now startled, "the end of the WHAT!?"

"Well," said the sergeant, "As they say on Pokopon: Best to fight and run away and live to fight-"

"WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE!" shouted Giroro before throwing the sergeant into a brick wall. "Now tell me, do you know of any other men trying to go AWOL?"

"WAAAAA!" screamed Private Tamama, popping out of the trunk. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

"Ku, Ku, I have to agree with the others." Said Assistant Lieutenant Whatever Kururu, suspiciously walking in from behind the corner. "After all, what's the point in dying a spectacular death if nobody is around to see it?"

"It's called honor, you wimps!" Giroro turned red in the- err… began to steam. "What are you, babies?"

"Yes." Said Tamama.

"Yep." Said Keroro

"I guess." Said Kururu

Fyuki thought about this for a second. "But wouldn't it be easier to take over the world if it's decimated by divine wrath?"

The four soldiers turned towards Fyuki. Then they faced each other and then started to laugh maniacally.

"Kerokerokerokero…."

"Girogirogirogiro…"

"Kukukuku…"

"Tamatamatamatama…"

"Nice going, moron…" said Natsumi.

"Just playing devil's advocate…" Fyuki nervously laughed.

***

At the Tendo Dojo, Ranma Saotome woke up early for once. He looked up at the sky and saw that there was a creepy red symbol above the town.

He turned to his dad (currently in the shape of a panda), and asked, "Hey pop, did you tick off some demigod again?"

The panda held up a sign that said "Nope".

"Oh." Ranma turned back to the sky. "Well, wake me if it's something important."

***

Like everyone else in Shibuya, Neku looked up at the sky. But unlike everyone else, he looked down again. He had seen enough noise symbols for one lifetime, and since he wasn't in a reaper's game, he didn't intend to see any more.

Just then, Neku felt the presence of an unseen someone. He turned around to find Joshua standing behind him.

"Miss me?" he asked.

"Shut up." Said Neku. "Whatever it is you want me to do, the answer is 'no'."

"Fine. Whatever." Joshua threw up his hands and started to walk away. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up."

"Oh?" said Neku. "About what?"

Suddenly, Neku noticed that other noise symbols had appeared, and were now floating around just a few feet above them. Everyone in the crowd screamed, and then started running around like maniacs.

"Never mind." Neku crossed his arms in frustration. "Anything else need to tell me?"

Joshua sighed. "Not here, you never know who could be listening. Meet me at WildKat in three hours, and bring the others with you."

"Is this another stupid scavenger hunt or something?" Neku rolled his eyes at his ex-partner. "Because I'm really not in the mood for it."

"Trust me," said Joshua, before vanishing without a trace, "It's important."

***

Suddenly, Hiro Nakamura appeared in Times Square.

"YATTA!" he shouted to no one in particular, "I learned to swordfight, killed Sylar, saved the world, and had a cool adventure in feudal Japan without totally screwing up the future!"

He then looked around and saw everybody looking straight upwards. "What's everybody staring at?" he asked in his best attempt at broken English.

Then he looked up and saw the symbol floating in mid-air. He took a moment to mutter the Japanese equivalent of "Oh crap."

***

_The effects of Ragnarock even spread as far as the netherworld …_

***

"Dood." Said generic prinny #1 to generic prinny #2, "This is some seriously messed up stuff."

The two prinnies stood in awe at the glowing portal, before Laharl, self-proclaimed Overlord of the Netherworld, barged in and pushed them aside.

"What's the big deal here!?" he said. "What's this weird portal thing doing in my living room!?"

"Actually, your lowness…" generic prinny #3 quipped, "…this isn't your living room; This is the prinny break room."

"Shut up!" Laharl shouted, "It's my castle and I say this is my new living room! You can use that dumb tower in the east wing."

"But I thought you said that the tower was going to be your evil sunbathing deck?" Etna smiled. Though she was Laharl's vassal, she practically lived to prove him wrong.

"Fiiiiinneeee…" Laharl grimaced, "Then they can have that abandoned storeroom down by the front gate."

"Didn't you destroy that during your tantrum last week?" asked Flonne, his ditzy fallen-angel sidekick-type person.

Laharl stared at Flonne's cheerful expression, only making him angrier. "Whatever! They can have a broom closet for all I care!" he then picked up generic prinny #1 and tossed it out the window, where it made a satisfying explosion upon hitting the ground. "Anyone got a problem with that?"

"Actually, sir." said a third voice. "We're using all the broom closets to hold… well, brooms, obviously…"

Laharl stared at the white haired demon with the glasses. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Mao." He said. "I'm the protagonist of Disgaea 3, the latest game in the series."

"Um… right." The demonic prince raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing here again?"

"Nothing much." Said Mao, "Since the author of this Fic is still in the middle of Disgaea 1, he has no experience with my personality. Thus my cameo in this work is very dry and generic."

"Yeah…" Etna stared at the guy for a moment, "Did you forget to take your meds or something?"

"No, not at all." Mao shifted his glasses "I simply seek to take over the universe through my knowledge of Anime and RPG's. Currently, I am posing as a humble vassal until you drop your guard, whereupon I shall strike you down and take my place as Supreme Overlord of-"

Laharl threw Mao out the window, whereupon he made a slightly less satisfying 'thud' upon hitting the ground. "Man, that guy was annoying." Said the prince.

"That wasn't very nice…" Flonne added.

"Who cares?" Laharl threw his arms behind his head, "Anyway, where does this portal lead to?"

Etna took a clipboard from one of the more intelligent looking prinnies. "Well," she said, "from our readings, we think this is a portal to the human world."

"You mean the place where all those drippy heroes come from?" Laharl yawned.

As if to prove a point, some muscular guy burst though the doorway with an ax screaming "DIE, DEMONIC SCUM!" just before Laharl impaled him with a sword.

"Yep." said Etna without skipping a beat, "The very same. Apparently a portal like this is supposed to appear at the end of the world."

"Heeeellp…." The would-be hero moaned.

"It's about time the human world ended." Laharl scoffed, "Those idiots were getting annoying."

"Seriously, this _HURTS_…"

"So, what should we do now?" Flonne asked.

"Isn't it obvious, woman? This is a perfect opportunity!" Laharl then posed on top of a small pyramid of prinnies, "It's time to conquer the human world!"

"Is there a doctor in the house…?"

"Can we start with japan?" Flonne asked politely.

"Sure." said Laharl, "I could use a good laugh."

***

Six-hundred and sixty-six crimson robed figures sat around the table of perpetual pain and suffering in the ruins of Ostrhinesburg. These unseen, unnamed figures sat in great numbers, motionless, speechless, giving no hints as to their true identities.

A white robed figure, seated next to a throne at the front of the table, rose to address his crowd.

"Brothers." said the figure, "For hundreds of years, we, the six-hundred and sixty-six Azure Knights have been working in eager preparation for the return of our master, Lord Nightmare. I tell you now, his resurrection is nigh!"

A robed figure raised his hand. "Excuse me, Mr. Supreme Grand Master, sir? Why are we called the Azure Knights if we dress in red?"

Grand Master Zasalamel sighed. Four hundred and fifty straight years of these meetings, and every time there has to be some shmuck who asks about that. "Look, I'm in the middle of my big speech. Is the color of our robes such a big deal that we can't wait until AFTER I'm done?"

The inquisitive figure slowly lowered his hand.

"Thank you…" The possibly Babylonian man muttered some curses under his breath. "You have no doubt seen the 'Endgame' symbols above towns and cities across the globe, have you not? Soon these towns and cities will be in complete chaos! After four hundred and fifty years of planning, we have finally brought about our ultimate goal: the end of the world!"

The faceless masses began to cheer loudly. He had them right where he wanted them.

The black skinned man basked in the applause for a minute before continuing his monologue, "Five hundred years ago, I witnessed the last known battle between the Soul Caliber and it's evil counterpart, the Soul Edge. Though previously, I had intended to end my immortal life by using the combined power of the blades to bring about the instrumentality of the planet. To link the minds of every man, woman, and child into a single being, including myself, followed by suicide at the hands of the god-man I was now one with. But during that final showdown, I saw a sign. An enormous tower rose up in front of me, and on that tower was the entire history of man, stretched out from the Neanderthal era up to the battle to which I was merely an observer. Something happened to me that day. I realized that without pain, there cannot be joy. That total instrumentality would be an empty victory and that life is but an endless spiral of experiences, helping to shape the human consciousness of which no single being could ever …" [1]

One particularly bored minion turned to the other. *PSST*, he whispered, "Excuse me, I'm new here. Does he always do this?"

The minion next ignored him. "_Rookies_." He thought, "_They don't know true genius when they see it_."

Zasalamel continued to babble incoherently from the front of the table "…and from day forward, I vowed to help mankind achieve its highest potential, working behind the scenes to make it so. But humanity has squandered my second chance. Therefore, we have created Ragnarock, so we could destroy humanity so it can be rebuilt!"

The crowd stared at the Grand Master, dumbstruck, with puzzled looks on their faces.

"_Now came the awkward part."_ He cleared his throat, and asked; "So… any questions?"

All six hundred and sixty six hands in the crowd went up simultaneously.

"Questions that aren't about the robes?"

Six hundred and sixty four hands went down.

"Yes, you: in the back."

A rather tall man stood up and spoke. "Yes, I was just wondering: how does killing everybody in the world help humanity rebuild."

The white robed leader was caught off guard. "Umm… because… the cosmic karma is out of whack?"

The skeptic member rolled his eyes, unconvinced.

"Look: I'm thousands of years old, dammit!" Zasalamel then shot a lightning bolt out of his hand, turning the ex-minion to ashes. "I know what I'm doing!". He then breathed deeply a few times before regaining his composure. "Ok, next question: You, with the monocle."

A British gentleman uncovered his face, and stood up. "Yes, I can understand this Ragnarock thing, jolly good stuff that is, but where's this bloomin' Nightmare guy we've been waiting for?"

A grin spread Zasalamel's face. "I'm glad you asked that…" he said, pulling out a suitcase. "Lord Nightmare is the final ingredient to our end-of-the-world recipe: destruction and hate personified in the purest form. But as strong as he is, he is also, shall we say, a parasite. If the Soul Edge falls into the hands a pure-hearted wielder, Lord Nightmare's consciousness will be transferred into him as new host body, so he can once more hold his reign of terror upon the world!" He now unbolted the case, and threw it open.

"And now, I present to you: THE SOUL EDGE!"

But despite this grand show, inside the case was merely a pulsing, red dagger.

The crowd began to murmur to itself.

"_That's it?"_

"_It looked bigger in the video game..."_

"_What does he intend to do with it, __poke__ everyone to death?"_

"OH SHUT UP!" Supreme Grand Master turned red in the face, "The blade eats souls, remember? It's stuck like this because it hasn't had a good meal in 500 years!"

He held it up for all to see. "But it will get stronger… mark my words…" Zasalamel pushed his chair aside, and walked to the throne he was sitting next to, where a young boy was tied up with a gag placed around his mouth.

"So… Ash Ketchum…" Zasalamel chuckled as he uncovered the young trainer's mouth, "How does it feel to be chosen as the first new body for Nightmare in over 500 years?"

"You'll never get away with this!" Ash shouted at the top of his lunges, "My friends know I'm gone, and when they find you, you'd better be sorry!"

Zasalamel laughed at Ash's naivety. "Even if your 'friends' did pose a significant threat to us, our agents are taking great pains to alleviate this. They don't even realize you're gone yet."

"That's impossible!" said Ash, "My friends know me better than anyone else in the world! Surely by now they would have realized something was wrong!"

***

"Um… Ash? Are you feeling all right?" asked Dawn.

The large, muscular man wearing a cardboard mask of Ash Ketchum nervously laughed, "Ha ha. Nonsense, girl who's name I conveniently forgot! I am feeling fine, and I'm looking forward to another day of excitement, adventure, and…" He looked at something written on his hand, "…Da Pow-uh of Fer-end-er-ey-ship."

He then pulled out an obviously fake Pikachu doll, and pulled a string on it. "Pika, Pika." went the doll.

"Are you sure?" asked Brock, "Call me paranoid, but you just don't seem like yourself lately."

The large man shook his head, "No, all I need is a visit to the…" he looked at his hand again, "…Po-Kay-Mon Cent-ear."

Brock shrugged, _"I guess it's just me, then."_ He thought.

***

"Your friends… are very easy to fool." Said Zasalamel. "Let me show you how:" He held up a mask that vaguely resembled Professor Oak's face. "Oh golly gee, Ash!" he said, "I'm Professor Oak!"

"Professor!" Ash squealed with glee, "Thank god you're here! Some crazy black guy tied me up and wants me to take this evil sword for him! Good thing you told me not to take evil swords from strangers!"

A huge drop of sweat formed on Zasalamel's forehead. He heard the kid was stupid, but this was just too easy. "Um… right." he said. "I'll get you out of here." He untied Ash's right hand. "But first, can you hold onto this magic dagger for me?"

"Okay," said Ash. Being the idiot that he was, he took the Soul Edge without question, "But I can't see why. I mean, don't you have your hands fre-"

Suddenly, Ash was engulfed in a raging cloud of evil that emanated from the blade. He screamed loudly as the wicked power of the Soul Edge began to overtake the trainer's body.

One of the cultists began to sweat. "I'm feeling a little faint. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" He then collapsed in what appeared to be a seizure, sharing Ash's screams of unimaginable pain. I would write down his last words, except they weren't words so as much as the primal scream that every creature can recognize on it's most basic level.

The audience stood in horror as the wispy figure of the man's soul was pulled out of his body, and drained into the Soul Edge.

The six-hundred and sixty four knights turned to Zasalamel, expecting an answer.

"Oh yes…" he grinned, "I forgot to tell you. Since it has been out of use for so long, the Soul Edge requires a great number of fresh souls to restore its full power. I'm afraid that this is where we part ways…"

As the knights fell, one by one, a lone cloak gasped with his dying breath "W-why? I thought w-we were…"

"Please." Said Zasalamel, "Sid you really think I would be stupid enough to let you fools be servants in my new world order? That you'd just sit around, going to pointless meetings while I do all the real work? The TRUE Azure Knights are off setting my plan into motion as we speak..." He paused for a moment, realizing he forgot something. "Oh yes, and they really do wear blue. So don't waste your breath asking."

The remainder of the "knights" were now dropping off like flies under the Soul Edge's demonic energy. Those who tried to escape were only met with disappointment when they discovered that the doors had been sealed.

After the storm had passed, all that remained of the false order was a single man. The man crawled up to Zasalamel's legs, and grabbed him by the ankles. "s-so you mean… " the disillusioned cloak moaned, "…the reason …we all wore red cloaks instead of blue, is b-because w-we're all re… red…"

"Redshirts." Zasalamel smirked, "Exactly."

The man wore a look of pure anguish and hopelessness on his face before finally dying.

"_Foolish mortals…"_ Zasalamel thought to himself. Then he turned to Ash's body. "Lord Nightmare." he said, "Was your resurrection… pleasant?"

"_**Yesss…**__"_ said Nightmare, for the first time in over 500 years.

***

Keitaro continued to gawk at the glowing symbol in the sky, unable to say anything.

He turned to Hiruka-san, then to Naru, and then back to Hiruka-san.

"Nice job breaking it, hero…" he muttered to himself before collapsing onto his knees…

***

**Next Episode Preview:**

{Show picture of Keitaro + Co. in suits.}

ETNA: The Hintatsou Yukaza is picking on poor defenseless demons!

KEITARO: What? Since when did we have an episode preview? And since when were we Yukaza?

{Show Keitaro + Co. surrounding Charade, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform}

ETNA: They decide to pick on poor little Charade, carrying important medicine for his grandma!

KITSUNE: That is _so_ not what happened.

{Show a picture of Etna dressed in a gothic magical girl uniform.}

ETNA: Who can save the day? Why, Etna, of course!

LAHARL: Sheesh, do you ALWAYS have to be the center of attention?

{Show picture of Etna flashing the "V for Victory" sign.}

ETNA: Next time, on Pretty Magic Princess Lovely Etna!

EDROBOT: Not if I have anything to say about it…

***

Author Footnotes:

[1]: I am quite aware that Instrumentality had nothing to do with Zasalamel's plan in Soul Caliber 3 and destroying the world is not his intention after the end Soul Caliber 4. But since I wanted to write the most confusing and pointless speech possible, I decided to totally rip-off Evangelion. If you don't think it makes any sense, then it means I have succeeded. If you think does makes sense, I suggest that you seek psychological help.


	5. The World Ends With The Letter D

**Chapter 5: The World Ends With the Letter 'D'**

**In case I haven't pointed it out to you enough times, I do not own Soul Calibur, TWEWY or Love Hina.**

**

* * *

**

f

_A few notes on Ragnarock:_

_Despite popular belief, Ragnarock is not a Scandinavian invention. Rather, it was a catch-all phase invented for the end of the world by the celestial counsel because they thought it sounded cooler than "Armageddon". The Norsemen got a hold of the phrase back when gods, such as Odin or Zeus, directly interacted with human society on a daily basis. Apparently, Thor got drunk in a tavern one night, and said a bit too much about the ultimate fate of mankind._

_Luckily, since the Vikings were all drunk as well, they merely passed along a muddled version of the story to their peers. And through a system similar to the "telephone game", they ended up with a completely different end-of-the-world theory. But they were right about Ragnarock being the end of the world, at least._

_Anyway, Ragnarock occurs like this:_

_First, giant Noise symbols appear over population centers, and all pre-existing Noise become visible to humans. However, the noise does not attack anyone: They are still completely harmless outside the UG. Instead they continue to mill around and feed on negative emotions._

_Then, shortly afterwards, major catastrophes occur simultaneously and continuously all over the world. These disasters range from your standard biblical plague of frogs and locusts, to more exotic curses: such as people randomly turning into demons, portals to other dimensions opening up, Noise materializing in the RG, ect. _

_Luckily, Even if I fail my mission there is a way to stop a Ragnarock in progress. But that's a story for another time._

_-Hiruka-san, Conductor of Hinatasou_

_

* * *

_

f

"WAY TO GO, GEINUS." Said Charade in a mocking tone. "I MEAN, EVEN AN IDIOT WOULD HAVE PULLED THE SWORD OUT SO HE COULD SAVE THE GIRL. BUT STARTING THE END OF THE WORLD BY ACCIDENT? THAT'S JUST DUMB."

Urashima Keitaro, the clueless manager who now wielded the Soul Calibur, curled up into a fetal position. He stared at the sky, blankly, trying to comprehend the disaster he had just caused.

"WELL, SEEING AS THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END NOW, I MIGHT AS WELL SPARE YOU ALL THE TROUBLE OF COMMITING SUICIDE." The monster then held Naru up with both hands and began to crush. Naru gasped for air as the eyeball monster continued to tighten his grip. "DON'T WORRY…" he said, "…IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT… A LOT! MWA HA HA HA HA I LOVE MY JOB."

But before he could destroy the hot-headed girl once and for all, he heard the sound of metal scraping behind him. He looked behind him, and saw Mokoto pulling out her sword.

"I'm giving you one last chance…" said the samurai-girl, "You've come for what you wanted, so leave. _Now_."

Charade laughed, "PLEASE. YOU MORTALS ARE ALL GOING TO DIE EVENTUALLY. WHAT'S ONE CENTURY, MORE OR LESS?"

"I'm giving you three seconds…" the other girls started to back away from Mokoto, "One… Two…"

"OOH, I'M SO SCARED!" the demon said sarcastically, "TEH BIG SCAWRY SAMURAI GIRL WANTS TO HIT ME WITH A TOOTHPICK! I'M JUST SHAKING IN MY WIDDLE BOOTIES!"

"…three!"

Mokoto lunged forward, her blade raised high in the air, ready to strike. But Charade was to quick for that. He let go of Naru with one of his hands, and unceremoniously shot several large, skeletal spears out of his hand.

The swordswoman stopped dead in her tracks. She tried to jump out of the way, and though she escaped the path of most of the missiles, she was struck by one of them in the shoulder. The impact of the blow knocked her to the floor, where she struggled to stand as Charade prepared another round.

"PATHETIC." Charade's singular eyeball rolled at the fallen samurai, "YOU FLESHBAGS GO DOWN WAY TOO EASILY."

He pointed his hand at Mokoto, and fired.

* * *

As she lied there helpless, time slowed to a crawl for Mokoto. As the spikes approached ever closer, she took a moment to contemplate her life. She thought about her older sister, her single minded devotion to the sword, and her duty to her friends. _"Is this my fate?"_ she thought, _"To die at the hands of a demon? I'm supposed to __kill__ demons, damnit! What sort of warrior am I, if I can't even protect the ones I love the most?"_

She let out a sigh. As much as Mokoto hoped that an inner reflection of her life would give her an boost of inner strength, she knew it wasn't likely. After all, life wasn't like a Manga. She was too injured to stand, and the spikes were too close to her to dodge anyway. She just hoped that her death would be quick and painless.

Giving in to her destiny, Mokoto closed her eyes, bracing herself for what was about to come…

…except it didn't.

The confused samurai opened her eyes, and found that Charade's projectiles were suspended in mid-air, no closer to her than they were a moment ago. Looking around, she saw that everyone else was also frozen in place: Naru was wailing in Charade's arm as Keitaro was whimpering on the floor, and Suu was blasting the monster with a pulse rifle while Shinobu was hiding behind a pile of debris. Finally, she spotted Kitsunie pulling Mutsumi, who was in the middle of another fainting spell, to safety.

Experimentally, Mokoto reached out and touched one of the spikes. It didn't budge. Apparently, time really had stopped "This is… odd…" was all she could think of saying. "…I feel like someone ripped this idea off a half-decent television show."

She slowly herself back onto her feet with her sword, and slowly pulled out the spike that was still imbedded in her shoulder. _"…better make the best of it…"_ she thought.

* * *

Right after Charade fired what he thought would be his finishing blow, he noticed that the helpless swordswoman he was about to kill had vanished into thin air. Looking behind him, the monster then saw Mokoto sheathing her blade, standing behind him with a smug look on her face.

It didn't take long to put two and two together.

"CRAP." He said.

An instant later, Charade felt a sharp pain in his left arm. He watched in horror as now-severed arm fell to the floor, releasing Naru from his grip. [1]

Charade did his best to frown at Mokoto with his singular eyeball. "DUDE!" he said, "YOU… YOU CUT OFF MY ARM! I ONLY HAVE TWO OF THOSE, DAMMIT!"

Everyone looked at Mokoto. She now trying to balancer herself in a fighter's stance, made one final warning to her peers: "Everyone…" she said, "Get to safety… I don't know how much longer I can…" she then collapsed from her massive blood loss.

Large beads of sweat formed on the back of everyone's heads.

"WELL, FOR SUCH A DRAWN-OUT SCENE, THAT WAS RATHER ANTI-CLIMACTIC." Charade opened and closed his good hand a few times, to make sure it still worked. "NOW THAT I'VE SUBDUED YOUR MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR, I WANT YOU ALL TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME SO YOU CAN HAVE A FALSE HOPE OF SURVIVAL BEFORE YOU DIE."

He then grabbed Shinobu from her hiding place, and pulled her up in the air. "YOU FIRST."

"Waaaaa! Spare me, Mr. Eyeball-san!" Shinobu screamed,

"HO HO! I HAVEN'T SEEN A MORTAL PANIC THAT MUCH IN OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. THIS IS GOING TO BE _GOOD_…"

Kolla Suu put down her plasma cannon, "Damn." She said, "This guy is REALLY tough! This is the perfect time for a flashback that reveals some sort of Deus Ex Machina!"

* * *

"_Suu… Before you leave for Japan, I want you to hold on to this."_

"_But why? It's just a stupid piece of wood!"_

"_This isn't an ordinary piece of wood: It's a magic staff that has been passed down by our family for centuries."_

"_Oh?"_

"_Yes, you have quite the potential for magic. I'm disappointed to see you waste it on technology and robots. But after you fixed the refrigerator last week, I'm not one to complain."_

"_Right… So what's it do?"_

"_Well, if you or someone you really care about is in great danger, hold this above your head, and shout to the heavens: 'I summon the power of Momol!'."_

"_Oh, I see! And then you and sis will be there to help me in spirit, right?"_

"_Um… right! Let's go with that!"_

"_Aww, thanks big brother! You always know where to find the best corny and yet somewhat mysterious presents! I love you!"_

"_And I love you too, Suu…"_

* * *

Suu pulled the "Staff" her brother gave her out of her back pocket, and shrugged. "I guess it's as good a chance as any." she said.

The blond-haired gadgeteer, spread her legs apart, threw her arm up into the air and shouted, "I SUMMON THE POWER OF MOMOL!"

Suddenly, (and rather predictably, I'm afraid) Suu was enveloped in a three-minute long transformation sequence, took a team of animators three weeks to produce, and laden with enough flashing lights and fanservice to give any overprotective soccer-mom a stroke and a seizure at the same time.

Charade turned from Shinobu to see the sequence in action. "OH NO." he said in a monotone, pre-rehearsed voice, "I'M SO MEZMERIZED BY THE FLASHING LIGHTS AND PRITTY COLORS THAT I'M TOO DISTRACTED TO GO AHEAD AND FINISH THIS HELPLESS GIRL OFF."

Two extremely colorful minutes later, Suu's transformation sequence had finally ended. She was mildly surprised to find that her "Transformed" costume was exactly like her school uniform, except red and embodied with exotic patterns and lots of gold sequins. She was now also wearing a tiara, and the stick she was holding a moment ago had become some sort of greenish magic wand with a little figure of a turtle on one end.

Suu held out a mirror. "Wow, this is really tacky." He threw the mirror behind her back, and made some sort of baseball pitcher's pose, "Oh well! Here I go!" The new magical girl then pointed her wand at Charade and shouted, "SPARKLE TURTLE AIR STRIKE!"

The sky suddenly became dark.

Everyone looked up in horror to see that the glowing red symbol that appeared a moment ago was now obscured by a sky full of flying mecha-tama-chans.

Charade froze in terror, dropping Shinobu onto a pile of junk from the basement above.

"Oh. God. No." groaned Kitsune.

"I guess I don't know my own strength!" Suu nervously laughed.

"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.

Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.

"_Ohgodohgod…" _thought Shinobu, "…_Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" _her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. _"There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", _She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

* * *

Joshua flinched. He had just felt the fabric of the entire universe had suddenly unraveling and putting itself back together in a way SLIGHTLY different from before. He quickly looked around the café to see if anything was different, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found everything to be the same as he remembered.

"Um… Joshua?" asked Neku, "Are you feeling ok?"

The blond-haired teen hid his panic by taking a sip from his decaf mocha. "Nothing." Said Joshua. "So… as I was saying…"

Suddenly, Beat suddenly slammed through the door on his skateboard holding a bowl of Ramen in his hand, with Rhyme clutching on his leg for dear life. He then did a quick Ollie followed by a kickflip, whereupon he leapt off the board and screeched to a halt on the floor.

"Sorry for the holdup, 'Phones!" he said, "Me and Rhyme just stopped for somethin' to eat along the way. Ain't that right, sis?"

Rhyme's heart pounded rapidly as she unglued herself from Beat's leg. "Never. Do that. Again." she panted.

Neku glared at the slack-off skate-punk, "Couldn't you have just gotten something here like the rest of us? I mean, they DO sell food here…"

Beat had a surprised look on his face as he stared at the muffins, sandwiches, and other food on display. "Aww shoot! Why didn't I think of that!?" after a few seconds of mental scolding, he regained his composure, and glanced at Joshua. "So what's the deal, yo?"

Joshua shook his head and sighed. "Well, as I was telling Neku here…"

The door slammed open again, and a person they'd never seen before stood in the doorway. She was quite attractive really, with a thin waist and wide hips, though everyone was paying more attention to her black logo'd t-shirt (a 777 t-shirt, no less), black jeans stitched with a gothic skull pattern, purple-dyed hair, red eye-contacts, and the disgusted scowl on her face.

Thinking quickly, Neku and Rhyme instantly leaped into a defensive position, while beat leaped back and made whooping noises as he stood in some silly kung-fu pose he saw in a movie once.

Joshua just sat there, eyeing their new visitor. "Can I… help you?" he said, with a smirk on his face.

"I think you know what I want." said the girl in a familiar voice. To Neku and Beat's surprise, the girl then pulled out a distinct looking plush cat/pig doll threw it to the ground, whereupon it came to life and attacked the blond. Three seconds later, Joshua was pinned to the floor by Mr. Mew.

"…and it's a pleasure to see you too, Shiki." He smiled.

The other three ex-players took a moment to wrap their heads around this. "Wait…" said Neku, stunned as ever, "YOU'RE Shiki?"

"Dude…" said Beat, "I know Phones said you'd look different, but…"

"This is just a disguise, morons!" Shiki exclaimed. She then grabbed Joshua by the shoulders and lifted him up, "Apparently SOMEONE forgot to give me my old body back. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!" The faux-Goth snarled at Joshua.

"Oh yes." said Joshua, unflappable as ever, "I knew I forgot something."

"Well?" said Shiki, "Aren't you going to _DO SOMETHING_ about it?!"

Joshua sighed, "Well, I would if I could, but when I went to go get it, I found that someone had apparently stolen it…"

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

Joshua smiled, "Well, A: I brought you back to life, which means I like you guys, B: I know you'd come and help me willingly, so I'd have nothing to gain by holding your body ransom, and C: If I wanted to stare at a pritty girl all day I would have kidnapped an idol singer by now."

Shiki breathed deeply for a moment, before calming down enough to let go of the threatened teen. "Sorry about that…" she breathed, "I just feel kinda cheated. I mean, I'm gone for who-knows-how-long and when I finally get back-"

"Say no more." Joshua sighed, "You can't talk to your best friend, your family doesn't even recognize you, etc etc. But don't sweat it." Shiki's expression turned sour again, "I have the best men in the afterlife working on it."

* * *

Sherlock Holmes, world-famous English detective, peered his magnifying glass at cryogenic freezing tank #2445.

"Did you find anything yet?" asked Watson, his ever faithful lackey.

"Just the usual array of clues, Watson." Holmes beamed, "Judging by spacing of footprints at the scene of the crime, this person must have been very tall. In addition, a sweeping pattern of dust indicates that he was wearing a robe, and further evidence of this is found in white threads on the ground. In addition, he was carrying a large implement, quite possibly a battle-ready scythe, and may have had dark skin, as his pattern of movement suggests that that he is of ancient Babylonian decent. In addition, he walks with the physical stature of a young man, but at the same time seems to have the world weariness of an extremely old one. Also, he seems to have written down the words 'My name is Zasalamel, you dope!' written in spray paint in front of the cryogenic chamber, which may be an alias or a codename."

Watson pretended to understand all that the famous sleuth was telling him. "And… er… what does this all mean?" he asked.

"It's elementary, my dear Watson: The culprit must be dealing with a seven-foot-tall immortal black man in a white robe carrying a scythe who goes by the name of Zasalamel!" He then quickly sketched a picture-perfect rendition of their alleged body-snatcher.

Watson took a good look at the sketch. "That sounds a bit…far-fetched to me." He said.

"You're right." Holmes agreed, crumpling the drawing into a ball, "It's just all too silly. Battle Scythes! What was I thinking? This is obviously the work of my nemesis, Professor Moriarty!"

Watson adjusted his monocle. "But Holmes, hasn't Moriatry has been dead for nearly a hundred something years?" he asked.

"Precisely! That's why it's so clever!" Holmes concluded.

"Good show, old boy!" Watson applauded.

* * *

"You don't need to worry about a thing." Joshua added.

Rhyme got up, and decided to change the subject. "So what's with the makeover?" she asked,

"Yeah," Beat concurred, "I thought that whole 'emo' thing was Phones' shtick."

"Watch it…" Neku remarked.

"Think about it!" Shiki growled, "Look, my parents are confused as it is. And how do you think Eri would feel if I showed up at school looking _exactly like her_?"

Beat thought about this for a second. "Ah, dat's a good point."

Joshua brushed off his shirt and shrugged, "Well, bad as your problem is, I'm afraid we have more important things to deal with."

"Like what?" Shiki pouted.

Joshua pointed outside. They all crowded around the café's window to see an unfortunate "Mick" Makoto (not to be confused with Mokoto, the sword wielding samurai girl of Hinatasou) being chased by a giant red frog.

"WHY DOES THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!" he screamed as he sprinted down Cat Street.

"What the hell?!" shouted Neku.

"Woah…" said Rhyme.

"We gotta do somethin', yo!" said Beat. But as he rushed out the door, he suddenly felt Joshua's hand grasping is collar.

"Relax." Said Joshua, "He's not going to learn anything if someone's always saving his butt. All he needs to do to fight the noise is make a pact with someone." Beat slowed down as Joshua's grip lessened. "His survival instincts ought to be kicking in any second now."

The four stared at Makoto as the red frog noise tackled him, and was now trying to chew off one of his legs. A large crowd had now gathered to witness the bizarre massacre.

Neku wasn't convinced that millions of years of evolution would kick in anytime soon. "Is it possible to… speed up the process somewhat."

Joshua frowned. "Funny, I was about to say the same thing."

Shiki ran over to the crowd and tapped the shoulder of a random kid in the crowd. "Hey, kid!" she shouted.

The kid turned around, looked at Shiki and said, "Woah! A real-live vampire!"

Shiki turned red in the face. "I am NOT a-"

Then Neku approached the kid. "Look, kid. I need to do you a favor for me…"

"Hey! I know you!" the kid smiled as he spoke, "You're that guy I totally trashed during the slam-off last month!" The memories suddenly came rushing back to Neku.

From what he could recall, he knew the kid was called "Shooter", and is completely obsessed with the game "Tin Pin Slammer". Neku remembered losing to the kid back in week 2 of the Reaper's game, though the kid later came looking for a rematch. Word on the street was that he considered Neku to be his "Rival", despite Neku's lack of interest in the game.

Neku continued to frown, "Yeah, great. Whatever. Anyway, I want you to make a pact with-"

The Tin Pin aficionado pulled out his launcher. "Dude! We should totally have a rematch!"

Neku groaned. "Look, we don't have time for this: You see that guy over there?" he pointed at Makoto, currently rolling around on the ground while holding the struggling frog at arm's length.

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I want you to go up and make a 'pact' with him."

Shooter blinked. "You want me do make a what?"

The orange-haired teen put his hands to his face, "You know… a 'pact'. A pact is a… um…" he scratched his head, trying to come up with the right words.

Then Joshua cut him off. "Remember episode 47 of Slammurai, where Red and Black both swore to protect each other so they take down the Tin Pin Tyrant?"

The kid's face lit up. "Totally! That's, like, my favorite episode!"

Joshua smiled, "Well, a 'pact' is kind of like that." He winked at Neku, "A 'pact' is when you agree to protect each other in a time of great need, allowing you to tap into your inner reserves of strength though the power of friendship."

_"The power of friendship?" _thought Neku, _"What sort of Idiot would swallow such a load of-"_

"Wow! You're right!" Shooter slapped his hand to his face, "Why didn't I think of that!" he then dashed off to try and save Makoto.

Neku, Shiki, Beat and Rhyme all stared at Joshua. "What?" he said, "It pays to know how to work people..."

Meanwhile, Shooter had just sprinted to the battle ground, where the red frog that was attacking Makoto had just been joined by a kangaroo and a giant crab. "Dude! Make a pact with me if you want to live!"

"W… what?" Makoto lifted his head as he was slowly being crushed weight of the supernatural critters. "Kid! Get away from here now, before they come for you too!"

Shooter ignored Mick's command and held out his arm. "Just trust me on this!"

He sighed, "Oh hell, why not..." he somehow pulled his arm out of the tangled jumble of Noise, and accepted Shooter's offer…

* * *

**NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW**

{Show picture of Minamimoto and Laharl staring each other down}

LAHARL: Etna gets to do this all the time. So today, I, the great Laharl, Prince of the Netherworld, will now steal her spotlight!

SHO: No zeta way! I didn't even get a single line in this chapter, so why should I let some radian steal the spotlight?

{Show Prinny with clipboard}

PRINNY: Uh, guys? We kinda have to get started.

{Show picture of Lahral with glowing black aura}

LAHARL: Today, I begin my conquest of the human world! All will bow before my might!

{Show picture of Sho in his "Taboo" form}

SHO: Stupid son-of-a-digit! If anyone is going to conquer the world, it's gonna be me!

{Show picture of Sho and Laharl in a slapping fight in their "powered-up" forms}

LAHARL: Get out of my way!

SHO: You're out of your league kid!

LAHARL: Loser!

SHO: Yoctogram!

PRINNY: Um… right.

{Show picture of Sho and Laharl trying to push each other out of the screen.}

SHO and LAHARL together: Next time, on Ultimate Demon Overlord Championship Zeta!

KENTARO: Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

{Show picture of Vy… I mean Mid-Boss}

MID-BOSS: Hey! Doesn't anyone care about me?

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES **

[1] Mokoto's power is in no way inspired by "Heroes", especily since Hiro had lost said power of time manipulation by the current season. But it's become something of a running gag at this point, so whatever.

**Don't forget to leave a review!**


	6. Except more painful!

**Chapter 6: The Adventure of a Lifetime! Except more painful!**

**Do I look like a successful Manga artist to you?**

*******

_Now that the Ragnarock has officially begun, I might as well talk briefly about the abilities of the seven "Children of Ragnarok". _

_First, of course, we have __the wielder of the Soul Calibur__. Being the "healing blade" opposite of the soul-sucking Soul Edge, the destined wielder of the blade is a delta-class immortal: He has complete invulnerability and ages normally, though this invulnerability begins to fade away around his sixties. But after he finds the Soul Calibur, he becomes an alpha-class immortal, and becomes completely ageless and invulnerable and wallows around in his eternally tormented existence until he either finds a sufficiently powerful reaper to put him out of his misery, or he gets struck down by the soul edge. In addition, the blade itself can create a suppressive "anti-superpower" field when not in use, preventing the triggering of any unfortunate prophecies. _

_While I don't know the full extent of __the time-warper's__ power, it would be safe to assume that it includes time travel to some extent. It would also be safe to assume that this form of time-travel is immune to paradoxes, and that the abilities belong to someone responsible enough not to make frivolous changes to the time line._

_After all, we don't want to accidently let Hitler win WWII, do we?_

_The Sorceress of Momol__, on the other hand, is a well-documented legend: a hereditary title that is handed to a member of Momol's royal family every once in a while. But despite the profilation of the legend, reliable lore about what the sorceress can exactly DO are contradictory._

_Thanks to the "Red Moon" incident, it is now painfully obvious that Kolla Suu currently holds this title, even if she hasn't been officially named as such. Her chaotic nature coupled with coupled with her family's full power does not bode well._

_But if anyone of the seven worries me, it would have to be __the Goddess__. Her ability is to warp the very fabric of reality into whatever she wants. With a power like that, it's a wonder she hasn't discovered it already._

_Have you ever heard of Haruhi Suzumiya? She was a girl from another world who developed similar powers. I doubt you have, as her world, as well as about a few thousand nearby worlds, were severed from the rest of multiverse to prevent the polluting of the time stream. This was done because her personality was so unstable that she posed undo all of existence. _

_And yet her influence lives on: despite all trace of her existence being wiped from history, she still exists in the collective unconscious of society, evidenced by the fact that there are a series of popular novels loosely based on her exploits. _

_I won't name the person whom I think is the goddess; but I will say that it's a good thing she has very little self-esteem. If her power DOES manifest at some point, it will hopefully be in a way that emulates another superpower. Hopefully this will keep her mind off of screwing with reality._

_Hopefully._

_-Hiruka-San's Doomsday Log, Part 1_

***

**THE UNIVIRSE, V.1.4**

**COPYRIGHT(BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE): GOD**

**SERVER #: 617**

**SERVER STATUS: RAGNAROCK**

**A) LOGIN**

**B)READ CHANGELOG [1]**

**C)QUIT **

**A**

**NAME?**

**SHINOBU**

**PASSWORD?**

**LIDDU_KUN_MECHA_OMEGA**

**WELCOME SHINOBU (ADMINISTRATOR)!**

**A)RESUME FROM LAST AUTOSAVE **

**B)ALTER HUMAN**

**C)ALTER SELF**

**D)CHANGE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES**

**E)CHANGE OWN PHYSICAL ATTIBUTES**

**F)CREATE LIFE**

**G)DELETE LIFE**

**H)PLAY NETHACK**

**I)MODIFY: LAWS OF PHYSICS**

**J)MORE**

**C**

**SHINOBU**

**LEVEL 1 FEMALE HUMAN COMMONER**

**STR: 6**

**DEX: 9**

**INT: 10**

**WIS: 12**

**CHA: 11**

**CON: 8**

**FEATS: Blue Hair, Natural Chef, Administrator Privileges **

**A)SEE SKILLS**

**B)CHANGE CLASS**

**C)EDIT STATS**

**D)ADD FEATS**

**E)ALTER APPEARANCE**

**F)ALTER BIO**

**G)GO TO MENU**

**B**

**WHAT CLASS?**

**A)FIGHTER**

**B)SOURCERESS**

**C)NINJA**

**D)PIRATE**

**E)CYBORG**

**F)MAGICAL GIRL**

**G)SUPERHERO**

**H)MORE**

**I)CUSTOM CLASS**

**F**

**ARE YOU SHURE YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR CLASS TO "MAGICAL GIRL"? (Y/N)**

**Y**

**SELECT SPECIALIZATION:**

**A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC**

**B)SUMMONING**

**C)CONJURING**

**D)CHRONOMANCY**

**E)NECROMANCY**

**F)GEOMANCY**

**G)ANIMAL EMPATHY**

**H)SUPPORT MAGIC**

**I)MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS**

**J)GENERIC MAGICS**

**K)OTHER**

**I**

**SELECT SECONDARY SPECILIZATION:**

**A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC**

**B)SUMMONING**

**C)CONJURING**

**D)CHRONOMANCY**

**E)NECROMANCY**

**F)GEOMANCY**

**G)ANIMAL EMPATHY**

**H)SUPPORT MAGIC**

**I)x-MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS-x**

**J)GENERIC MAGICS**

**K)OTHER**

**H**

**SAVING…**

**DONE!**

**A)SEE SKILLS**

**B)CHANGE CLASS**

**C)EDIT STATS**

**D)ADD FEATS**

**E)ALTER APPEARANCE**

**F)ALTER BIO**

**G)GO TO MENU**

**G**

**EXECUTING: C:/RETURN_TO_**

**TARGET: CHECKPOINT "AUTO_SAVE", (MINUS 15 SECONDS)**

**INITIALIZING...**

***

"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.

Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.

"_Ohgodohgod…" _thought Shinobu, "…_Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" _her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. _"There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", _She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,

"MAGICAL TRASFORM, GO!"

Shinobu instantly clasped a hand over her mouth, looking embarrassed. _"Wait, what?"_ she thought. "Why the hell did I just say that?"the blue-haired teen wondered aloud.

Then, as if the universe was giving her an answer, the magic wand she had been clutching began to glow bright white. An instant later, Shinobu was wisked away into another elaborate transformation sequence. As if it were even possible, it was even longer and flashier than Suu's already over-the-top transformation.

***

_FIVE MINUTES LATER_

***

Hiruka looked away from the seizure inducing lights for a moment to stare up at the Tama-chans in the sky, now floating around reading magazines and playing video games.

"You look calm." said Kitsune, currently trying to open a bottle of Sake for her last meal. "Aren't you worried about our impending doom by flying-turtle air-strike?"

"Nah." She replied, casually lighting a cigarette, "Even if we all die here, I could always pull a few strings to get you out of the UG."

Kitsune sighed. "Er... right."

"Everyone back in your places!" shouted Suu, holding an oversized novelty stopwatch, "The transformation ends in five, four, three, two, one…"

Finally, the flashing lights died down, and Shinobu was standing where she was a moment ago. Except that now she was wearing a skimpy uniform with a white skirt and a white sleeveless top, and the plastic wand she was holding a moment ago had transformed into a garish pink magic staff [1] with a large blue heart the front end. "Wa… wha?" she said.

Upon seeing this Suu immediately ran up to the NEW new Magical Girl, and snatched the staff out of her hands. "Oooh! Cool!" Suu shouted. "You must be a Magical Girl too! That's so awesome! Now we can fight monsters together!" her mind swam with possibilities, "And mabey we could find some other magical girls and form a team! Then, not only can we octuple our crime-fighting potential, but we can even go into merchandising! I see it now: Sailor Suu and her sidekicks, defenders of turtles and other cool things! Being my best friend, you'd get a good %15 share of the profits as opposed to my %20, but what If we did a video game? That would be so awesome! In it, we'd be fighting giant robots from the planet Zlorch, who want to take over the world so they can turn it into the world's largest ice cream stand…"

As Suu continued to babble on about the meathods of fighting giant robots, Shinobu covered her ears and dropped down on her knees. "This is all happening so fast…" she sobbed, "First Keitaro turns out to be immortal and causes the end of the world, Mokoto does I don't know what, you become a magical girl_ again_, and next thing you know, I get dragged into this mess." She turned to Suu. "Why aren't you frightened?"

This made Suu pause. She looked up in the air and scrathed her chin, trying to come up with something. Then she looked back at Shinobu and smiled. "Well, the way I see it, it's like a big adventure!"

"An… adventure?" the nervous blue-haired girl responded.

"Yeah!" the blond haired girl continued, "An adventure of a lifetime! Only more painful 'cuz it's real!" She extended a hand to pull her friend back up. "I mean, so what if you get pulled into it? It isn't the end of the world or anything."

"UM, ACTUALLY IT IS." Charade quipped.

Suu glared at Charade for a second, before turning back to Shinobu. "Anyway, you just need to suck it up and have some confidence in yourself." She nudged the other girl on the shoulder. "That's how the heroes do it."

Shinobu's face brightened up. "Okay…" she smiled, "I'll try and do my best!"

Suu slapped her hand across her friend's back and let out a hearty laugh. "That's the spirit!" she said.

A single, unified "Awwwwww..." came out from everyone in the room. Even Pi-face muttered something along the lines of, "The kid's got a point…".

"That was so touching…" Mutsumi cried. And she was right. That single, touching moment, filled everyone, even Keitaro, with a sense of hope and purpose.

Everyone, that is, except Kitsune. She just clapped her hands sarcastically. "Yeah, great job." she said, "Believe in yourself. Great. Whatever. Now what are you going to do about our IMPENDING DOOM!?!?"

Everyone suddenly remembered about the deadly falling turtles that Suu accidently summoned.

"Oh yeah." She nervously laughed. "I forgot about that."

A moment later, everyone in the room panicked, scrambling for color.

"No…" said Shinobu, "It can't end this way… I have to do something!"

"So do I!" said Suu. She pulled out a pair of knockout pills and swallowed them. "See you in the afterlife!" she said before collapsing.

Reenacting her deepest, fondest childhood fantasies, Shinobu stood on the tallest pile of junk she could find, held the staff up in the air, and shouted, "ULTRA BARRIER!"

And, just in the nick of time [2], an enormous barrier was erected around the dormitory. Upon collision, the turtles simply exploded on the energy shield, leaving the building inside intact.

"Well that was… lucky?" was all Mutsumi could think of to say.

Unfortunantly, Shinobu was unused to using vast amounts of magic (or, shall I say, ANY magic), and immediately afterward followed Suu's lead and pulled a Mutsumi on everyone.

"This just gets weirder by the second." Kitsune got up and began to walk away. "I think I'll just be going to bed."

"OH NO YOU AREN'T." said the only person here who talks entirely in capital letters, "YOU'VE GIVEN ME TOO MUCH SNARK TODAY, MISSY! YOU'RE GOING DOWN NEXT!"

Kitsune gulped, "Uh… can't we talk this over?"

"DIE!" shouted Charade as he charged towards to defenseless slacker.

Kitsune froze in terror, only to sigh in relief immediately as the demon tripped over a rolling pin and-

*CRASH*

…Landed on his rear.

"NOT FUNNY!" he shouted. Charade got up, and took another step, but accidently put his foot down on a pair of roller skates-

*SMASH*

…falling face… er… eyeball-first this time.

"THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM!" he said. But this was not to be, as he proceeded to-

*WHACK*

…step on a rake…

*SLAM*

…trip over a dumbbell…

"OW!"

…land on a loose nail…

*OOF!*

…collapse onto a pile of broken glass…

*SNAP*

…put his hand in a mousetrap…

"RAAAR!"

…and attract the rage of the otherwise-friendly chupacabra that was living in an old abandoned wine cellar nearby.

Finally, after enduring injury after agonizing injury, Charade finally crawled within five feet of Kitsune, and managed to stand up without incident. "SO, AS I WAS SAYING…" he raised his arm, opening it like a claw. "DIE!"

Kitsune quickly leapt backwards to avoid the swipe, but tripped over a large box marked "Shurken, Arrows, Daggers, Knives, and other pointy metal things." This gave her an idea…

Charade walked up to the platinum blonde, as she quickly opened the box and pulled out a ninja knife from the top. "WELL, THAT WAS 'LUCKY'." He chuckled, "ANY LAST WORDS?"

"Just one:" she pulled her hand back in preparation. "Catch."

With a quick arm motion, Kitsune buried the kunai deep into the demon's eyeball.

"ARRGH!" Charade doubled back in pain, clutching his hands to his 'face'. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" he screamed, "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONE WEAKNESS!?"

Kitsune stared at the eyeball-thing in disbelief. "It's kinda obvious."

Charade ran to the other end of the room, pulled the knife out of his socket, and his eyeball looked as good as new (if a little swollen). "WELL LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN, FLESHBAG, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GET ANOTHER CHANCE!" His eye began to glow even more red as it stared at Kitsune, as a large sphere of energy formed around it. "EAT MY EYE-BEAMS, FLESHSHY WOR-"

But before he could finish that insult, Kitsune threw threw another dagger at Charade, where it hit him squarely in the eye.

"LUCKY SHOT." He pulled the knife out. "DIE HUMAN, FOR REALS THIS TI- OW!" Another dagger landed in his eye. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! OW!" another dagger, "OW! OW! OW!" and another, and another, and another.

In the wake of Kitsune's 1337 dagger spam, Charade spotted Suu's mirror on the floor. "FINE! YOU LIKE TRICK SHOOTING?" He stared at Kitsune's reflection in the mirror, and began charging his eye-laser again. "TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!"

He intended the lazer to bounce off the mirror to melt the young woman's face off, while her daggers bounced harmlessly off his thick hide. Instead, one of the daggers bounced off the mirror's handle, to poked him in the eye AGAIN.

"THAT IS SO FRICKIN' ANNOYING!" Charade shouted.

"Had enough?" Kitsune motioned for Charade to come closer.

"SORT OF." The monster's singular eye darted around the room, when it spotted the unconscious body of Mutsumi, the only girl he hadn't threatened yet. (_"What am I? Chopped liver?"_ thought Hiruka-san) He then grabbed the frail, sickly young woman, and held her upside-down by the legs. "I'M GOING TO RETREAT FOR NOW," he said, "FOLLOW ME, AND THIS GIRL GETS IT. GOT IT?"

But Kitsune said nothing. Putting one hand on her hip and the other on her chin, she wore a puzzled look on her face. A sound similar to sizzling bacon could be heard in the background. Then charade felt a burning sensation in his remaining hand.

"GREAT. _**NOW**_ WHAT?" He groaned. He turned to face the burning hand, and found, to his great displeasure, Mutsumi had also undergone something of a transformation. Though she was still dressed in her same old everyday clothes, she now also sported a large, extremely noticeable pair of snow-white wings sprouting out of her back (how they managed to do suddenly appear without tearing a huge hole in her clothes is a mystery). In addition, she was glowing with a faint white aura, an aura that was apparently causing his remaining arm to become scorched and brittle, before finally disintegrating.

"DAMN." Charade said as Mutsumi dropped back onto the floor. "WELL, SINCE THIS BATTLE IS GETTING INCREASINGLY SILLY, LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO:" Using one of his legs, Charade reached into his eye socket, and somehow pulled out a small, working replica of a subspace bomb [3]. "THIS THING WILL PROBABLY TAKE OUT HALF THE TOWN, BUT SINCE I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE AN MANY FLESHBAGS AS I CAN WITH ME. NOTHING PERSONAL, MIND YOU."

He was about to press the button when Sho "The Grim Heaper" Minamimoto , sprung into action. He lept forward, kicked the bomb out of Charade's hand, and caught it in mid-air before landing feet first.

"It's _Nothing personal_, radian." Sho mocked, "I might not care about these hectopascals, but nothing comes between me, and me not dying." He grinned as a pair of wispy black wings began to form behind him. "Now stand aside before I… _**CRUNCH!**_ Add you to the heap!"

"That's Sho for you…" Hiruka-san sighed, "Him and his self-preservation instinct…"

Pi-face now stood in a karate pose, and created a small sphere of dark energy to prepare for his first attack. _"Inverse-"_

Suddenly, Sho was knocked aside by a large drilling machine crashing through the wall! As Pi-face nursed his mortal injuries, a hatch in the machine opened up, and out jumped three guys in suits sporting outrageous hairstyle.

"Urashima Keitaro!" shouted the central one, turning to manager and holding out an official looking badge in his face, "I'm 'Agent J', and we're the Elite Beat Agents, here to motivate you to kick that monster's butt! What do you say?"

"**T-minus sixty seconds."**

Agent J paused. "That's an odd thing to say at a time like this."

"**Fifty-five…fifty-four…fifty-three…"**

Kitsune and Hiruka sweatdropped.

The agent looked over by where Sho was standing and saw the bomb slowly ticking down. "Oh..." He turned back to their target. "Well, don't worry son! You'll be fine in no time."

"Wa… wa-wa?" Keitaro replied. He then uncurled from his fetal position and spread across the floor.

"Uh, sir?" said one of the other agents, "I think he's too far gone at this point. We might as well head for the hills."

"Too late for that, boys." Agent J replied. "No turning back. That's the EBA motto."

"**Fifty …fourty-nine…fourty-eight…"**

"Turn on the first song!" the leader shouted.

The third unnamed agent held out a small device, and turned it on. Instantly, the room was filled with the sounds of "The Village People".

"_Macho-macho man! I want to be, a macho man! Macho-macho man! I want to be a macho…!"_

Keitaro continued to lie motionless.

"**Forty-two…forty-one…"**

"He's totally unresponsive!"

"Then then try another song!"

"_It's the end of the world, as we know it…!"_

"Still nothing!"

"Keep going!"

"_It's the final countdown…!"_

"Sir! He still hasn't responded, and we're fresh out of songs!"

"**Thirty…twenty-nine…"**

Agent J said nothing. He thought back to all his training, of those brutal days of sadistic cerography, angry sergeants, and really bad taste in music. He knew that his leadership was solely responsible for carrying out the mission. And in despite times, he knew he was required to make snap life-or-death decisions that would decide the fate of him and his team members.

And he knew that this was one of those times.

"Not quite." The orange-haired agent said, "Bring out… Element 'D'."

"Sir, are you crazy?!" the other agent began to sweat, "Element 'D' nearly violates the Geneva Convention! There's no telling what affect such a concentration of pure rock might have on this guy!"

J sighed. "Soldier, am I your superior officer?"

"**Ninteen… Eighteen…"**

"Yes sir."

"Do you doubt my leadership?"

"**Seventeen… Sixteen…"**

"No sir."

"Then activate Element 'D'. That's an order."

"**Fifteen… Fourteen…"**

The agent gulped, and pressed a pressed another button on his little radio device.

An instant later, everyone who was still standing covered their ears as the song "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce blasted out from every direction. Immediately, the agents broke into a dance, as the doomsday clock ticked ever closer.

"**Eleven…Ten…Nine…"**

As Charade winced at the bizarre spectacle, he noticed that Keitaro was now sitting straight up. "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SNAPPED OUT OF IT." He said.

"**Eight…Seven…Six…"**

"I WAS GETTING BORED. AT LEAST A FIGHT WITH AN IMMOTAL OPPONENT WOULD BE..."

As the blazing chords and silly dance moves continued, the previously helpless manager suddenly lept to his feat, and wordlessly brought the Soul Calibur down upon the bomb in a single movement.

"…INTERESTING?"

"**Three… two… on-**" the countdown halted as the smashed object sputtered.

"OH BOY…"

As the chorus kicked in, Keitaro turned to glare at his foe. As he raised his blade into a combat position, the manager-turned-hero uttered but a single word:

"Die."

***

A few minutes later, after Sho and Hiruka-san had woken them up, the girls watched in fascination as Keitaro continued to beat the ever-living snot out of Charade.

"Wow." Said Kitsune. "I didn't think he had it in him."

"Please." Mokoto rolled her eyes, "He has no technique. He's just blindly thrashing about."

"Ya' gotta give him credit though." Suu added, "That part where he ripped the guy's legs off and beat him with it? Pure. Geinus."

Mutsumi smiled, "Personally, I liked the part where the monster didn't have any limbs left, so he tied it to his blade and played paddleball with it."

Finally, as the song finished, and the Elite Beat Agents took a moment to marvel at their handiwork. For seven minutes, they had briefly turned the world's biggest loser into a mindless berserker that would make a Viking proud.

Kietaro continued to hack at the beast for a bit before he finally got a grip on himself. He looked around the room, and saw Charade's limbless, spherical core lying on the ground, softly moaning to himself. He then looked at the girls and said, "Did I just…?"

Aunt Hiruka replied with a nod.

"Wow…" he stared at the crystalline blade in awe.

Agent J came up and wrapped his arms around the roinin. "Yep!" he said, "Thanks to our motivational song-and-dance routine, as well as the power of rock, you were able to beat that eyeball monster in single combat!"

"OWWWWW…" moaned Charade

Keitaro clutched his blade and dropped down to his knees again, tears streaming down his pathetic-looking face, "great…" he sighed, "I finally get do something cool, and it turns out I needed someone else's help to do it…"

"That's the spirit!" Agent J laughed, "Now if you excuse me: Duty calls!" He then jumped back into the weird drill machine, and speed off.

"Aw man..." The 2nd agent groaned, with a large beat of sweat appearing on the back of his head, "Looks like he left us behind. Again."

The third agent sighed. "Relax. He'll come back for us eventually. Let's get some sushi in the meantime." The two agents then shuffled off to parts unknown.

Keitaro blinked for a moment, shook his head, and smiled at the girls, bright and chipper as ever. "Well, I might not understand what's going on here, but at least nobody got hurt!"

"Good for you." Hiruka pulled out a cup of tea. "Now, pack your bags. Suu: warm up the giant flying airship. We're all leaving as soon as possible."

Suu frowned. "I never said anything about a giant flying-"

"But you DO have one, don't you…" Hiruka sipped her tea as she stared at Suu with her trademark deadpan expression.

Kitsune pulled her hair in confusion. "What the hell is going on here?!"

Hiruka handed her mug to Sho, who was having his wounds wrapped up in bandages by Shinobu, "Would you belive me if I said that we needed to go on a quest to save the world?" She pointed up at the glowing symbol in the sky.

Kitsune was not satisfied, "Start explaining, sister."

"Fine." Hiruka conceded. "I'll tell you everything I know, just as soon as you pull Naru from out of the rubble…"

Keitaro gasped. "Ohmygod! Iknewweforgotsomething!" he leaped towards the nearest pile and started to madly dig away at pieces of wood, concrete, and plastic.

Sho lifted up a bandaged arm to point at a different pile. "Over there, yoctogram." He grimaced.

Kietaro took a moment to laugh nervously, and then began is dig anew. "Don't worry, Naru!" he shouted, "I'm coming! I'm here for you! I'm…"

The pile shifted. The manager held his breath. "Naru?"

Just then, the dibree that made up the pile suddenly flew every which way, leaving a very, VERY angry Naru Narsegawa where the pile once stood, breathing heavily.

"Naru!" Keitaro smiled, "Thank god you're OK!" he then got back down into a fetal position and started screaming "Waaaaa! Don't kill me! It wasn't my fault! Spare me Narsegawa!"

But to Keitaro's surprise and relief, she completely ignored the blubbering roinin, and instead marched up to Charade's core. "Are you still alive in there?"

Charade moaned in reply.

"I SAID…" Naru ripped an I-beam from under the ground, and held above her head, ready to strike.

"SPARE ME! I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU!" the core now quivered in fear.

She dropped the construction beam, pulled Charade up with a single hand, and looked him straight in the eyes... er… eye. "So you mean to tell me, that you didn't mean to break into our house, kidnap Urashima, hold me as a hostage, trick Keitaro into ending civilization as we know it, and kill us off one by one?"

Later, Charade swore that Naru's eyes were _actually on fire._ "UM… MAYBE?" he stammered.

I think we ALL know what happens next.

But in case you lack the imagination, keep in mind that the force of the famous "Naru Punch" is directly proportional to the depravity of the deed. And since Keitaro is usually hurled far into the scenery for even the slightest slip-up…

Suffice it to say that some Canadians were VERY surprised that morning.

Keitaro got on his knees this time sobbing tears of joy. "There IS justice in the world." He jokingly commented. But then he immediately froze in terror when he saw Naru's glare turn towards himself.

"Keitaroooo…" Naru cracked her knuckles as she approached, whereupon the manager resumed his fetal position.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!" he began to scream.

The ensuing pummeling lasted for 20 extremely painful minutes, as Naru further proved Keitaro's immortality with a verity of blunt objects. About 12 minutes into the beating, Suu got up and turned to Hiruka.

"Hey old lady? Are you gonna stop her at some point?" she quipped.

"Nah." Hiruka continued her deadpan stare. "It's best to get it out of her system while she has the chance. Cuz' these next few days aren't going to be pretty." Then her eyes shifted to the wide-eyed girl standing next to her. "Oh, and call me Hiruka-san."

***

[1] No, for your information, it did not have a knob on the end. You must be thinking of a Wizard's staff.

[2] the phrase "Just In The Nick Of Time" is a copyright of Narrative Casualty Inc. All rights reserved.

[3] You know, from Super Smash Bros. Brawl. If you haven't played that game, you deserve to go out and play it right now. And not just beacuse I get five dollars each time I make a refrence to the series.

***

_Wow, 53 pages of text, 6 chapters, and nearly 20,000 words! _

_And that's just the first story arc. _

_Sorry it took so long! ;) _

*******

**Next Episode Preview**

{Show Warhammer 40k manual}

FLONNE: In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war!

LAHARL: Cool!

{Show a Space Marine fighting an Ork with a chainsaw sword-guitar-ax-sword-cannon-sword-laser-sword}

FLONNE: As the Imperium of Man continues its campaign of galactic xenocide, the Orks prepare for "Operation: Crush All Humies"!

LAHARL: Sounds good to me.

{Show picture of Flonne singing on a concert stage as a crowd mixed with Space Marines, Elder, Orks, and Tau cheers her on.}

FLONNE: Can the power of music and the love of a pure-hearted demon bring peace to the galaxy?

LAHARL: Wait… What?

EVERY WARHAMMER 40K FAN EVER: {_Sweatdrop}_

{Show another picture of Flonne with a microphone}

FLONNE: Tune in next time, for "Warhammer 39,997: Galactic Singer-Girl Flonne"!

PRINNY: Don't we get enough of this already, Dood?


End file.
